A list of recommended charities from Conservative Party Head Office:

Slave the Children: A long-established and much-respected charity that aims to encourage the untrammeled movement of young, free labor across international boundaries.

The Peace Sledge Union: Promoting self-esteem and unity among former colonies by teaching them cricket and then losing to them.

War on War on Want: “We believe that the best way to alleviate poverty is by stimulating competition between humanitarian agencies in a good-spirited race to the bottom.”

UNICELF: Helping those who help themselves.

Oxfat: Thirty years of service dedicated to fighting Third World obesity.

The World Food Pogrom: The fewer the people, the more food there is to go round.

CAFODE: Enriching the Third World with used TVs from Essex.

GOAL: Hoping to rescue the next George Weah and give him a British passport.

Caratas: Promoting the importance of hygiene in daily life and transparency in business by washing the blood off blood diamonds.

Médecins Dans Frontières: A highly respected front organization committed to the shipping of generic drugs overseas at proprietary brand prices, thereby making everyone feel better.

Crócaire: Leading a ground-breaking initiative, inspired by the so-called Green Revolution, to help the sick, moribund, and already dead to lead useful afterlives (as fertilizer).

Hurt the Aged: Creating demographic space in countries with high unemployment while generating new economic possibilities in the euthanasia sector.

Amnasty International: Helping prisoners of conscience escape their conscience.

Comic Relief: Saving the careers of poverty-stricken comedians unable to secure voiceover jobs or work on gameshows.

and of course

The Young Conservatives: Looking for prospective wealthy donors with a penchant for horsey gals from the shires.