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Jay Spencer Green

~ Novelist and Ne'er-Do-Well

Jay Spencer Green

Monthly Archives: August 2015

Irish Interest

29 Saturday Aug 2015

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Irish Interest

Breakfast at Cannibal Joe’s can now be found at the very useful Irish Interest website. Irish books galore!

That’s No Lump. That’s My Son.

25 Tuesday Aug 2015

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Health, Humor, Satire, Vaccinations

littlehorse

And he’s not sick. He’s just  feeling a little hoarse.

Advice from the May 2014 issue of Wellness and Swellness.

A SHOT IN THE ARM

Yes, Your Kid Really Does Need All Those Shots She’s Scheduled for in Her First Year. We’ll Tell You What She’s Getting and Why Each One is Vital to Her Health

This past January, there was an outbreak of measles in San Diego. The culprit? An unvaccinated child who’d recently traveled to Switzerland. Why? We may never know. But the highly contagious respiratory disease, which can lead to pneumonia, encephalitis, and even death, quickly spread to 11 other children. In 2013, four states reported outbreaks of whooping cough, another highly infectious disease that’s potentially deadly for infants. It came from Norway. And around the same time, Maine and Eastern Canada were experiencing a sudden increase in mumps, a painful virus that can cause hearing loss and which originates in Moroccans and camels, hence the name.

What’s going on here? Didn’t we beat these diseases decades ago? Well yes, but these infections can be just one plane ride away, which is why we have to keep vaccinating our kids against illnesses that foreign countries haven’t been able to cure because they lack the expertise, the funding, or the basics of hygiene. And if you think that vaccinations don’t work or they’re just a scam invented by the very same pharmaceutical giants who invented the diseases in the first place, remind yourself that innovation is what made America great and is one of the main reasons why so few of us ever have to go abroad to begin with.

WHAT SHE’LL GET

The array of vaccinations your baby will receive may seem dizzying. Most parents don’t know what CFD even stands for, let alone why President Obama had to bomb it. And your baby requires several doses of some vaccines, which is why there are so many shots. Here’s what’s on the schedule:

Carboniferens Fibrodysplasia: In some parts of southern Spain, children’s bones and muscles are slowly turning to coal. This makes them popular with other kids in the playground because they can set light to their fingertips and exude a noxious oil that makes dogs vomit. But it is also highly contagious, and we don’t want our kids smelling like Spaniards. This inoculation comes in the form of a lump of sugar inserted rectally.

Hissy Fits: For a long time, doctors thought hissy fits were just a sign that a child was being spoiled at home. We now know that it comes from Italians and is passed onto humans by consuming the undercooked pasta illegally used as a bulking agent in some European baby formulas. While not lethal in themselves, hissy fits can lead to parents inadvertently throwing their children into the canal or under a bus, an unforeseaable but statistically significant outcome that renders this vaccination invaluable for those parents who quite like their offspring.

Second-Head Syndrome: Again, not in itself deadly, but liable to result in ostracism, which is appropriate, because it comes from Austria. The child does not actually grow a second head; rather, she becomes convinced that she has a second head, usually somewhere on her back. If you hear your daughter talking to herself, it’s a guaranteed sign that she has SHS. This is an inoperable condition, and pretending to remove her second head will likely result in trauma, resentment, and parricide. The vaccination takes the form of injections in both noses—real and imagined—for no other reason than badness.

Bigfoot: A highly contagious rumour from Canada. Not lethal, but it can lead to further complications such as Ufology, Ickeitis, and, in boys, Conspiracy Nuts. Vaccination takes the form of a kick up the arse.

Gehry’s Disease: Another one from Spain, this time from the north of the country. Symptoms include arching of the spine, skin turning silvery and scaly, and limbs pointing out at weird angles. Then people begin to stare and take photos and want to go inside. Cases of Gehry’s disease have already been spotted in California. Vaccinations take the form of a cerebral infusion of good taste.

Autism: The MMR vaccine is no guarantee your kid will get autism. You should have drunk mercury while you were pregnant.

Falling off Bikes: Like hissy fits, this was also thought to be a developmental problem and that kids would simply learn to ride their bike once they were able to find their centre of balance. It transpires that it was the Germans all the time. Vaccination takes the form of fire bombing their cities.

Obesity: We continue to vaccinate against obesity, but frankly the chances are that if you’re child is raised in America, she’s going to catch it. Vaccination takes the form of two Snickers bars and a packet of Oreo cookies per day for the next 15 years.

Paranoia: This originates in Russia, but it already has a foothold here. Not to be confused with Adolescent Insecurity, which is just a self-esteem issue, paranoia is caused by a germ that doctors secretly inject into your child while they’re giving her all the other vaccinations. You can ask your doctor not to give your child Paranoia, and he’ll say that he hasn’t, but he’s lying, the same way he lied to your parents. The best thing you can do is not to take your child anywhere near the doctor. Ever. And that applies to hospitals and the police too. All you need is your Bible. That will cure everything, I swear. Trust me. I’m a doctor.

Happy Mondays!

24 Monday Aug 2015

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This is how to start the week. Two five-star reviews from readers and up to number 43 on Amazon’s Dark Comedy chart (UK edition).

No43

The Clue is in the Title

14 Friday Aug 2015

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Humor, Satire, Theme Tunes

ted1 (1)

“Backstage” at Animal Hospital

When we discovered that the theme tune to the TV quiz show Mastermind is called “Approaching Menace” (by Neil Richardson), we thought two things: (1) That’s no way to talk about John Humphrys, and (2) How many other theme tunes are selected on the basis of their title? As it turns out, quite a few:

The theme tune to Channel Four’s How Clean Is Your House? is Dvořák’s “March of the Fecal Matter.”

The theme tune to Coronation Street is “Grimm, Up North,” by Burt Bacharach

The theme tune to Blockbusters is “Suspekt Unkle,” by the Fall

The theme tune to University Challenge is Gustav Holst’s “Ode to Smugness”

The theme tune to Deal or No Deal is “Casino of Cardigans,” by Franz Ferdinand

The theme tune to The Apprentice is “(You’re Not) the Boss of Me,” by Lil’ Kim

The theme tune to The Antiques Roadshow is “Plunder!,” by the Brighouse and Rastrick Brass Band

The theme tune to Animal Hospital is “Misplaced Pity Boogie-Woogie,” by Jools Holland

The theme tune to How to Look Good Naked is “Sad Hand Shandy,” by Blur

The theme tune to Doctor Who is “Return of the Repressed,” by Captain Beefheart

The theme tune to Countdown is “Siesta,” by Moby

The theme tune to Top Gear is “Fat Lad Manifesto,” by the Nightingales

The theme tune to Property Ladder is “Brick Lust,” by Pulp

The theme tune to Fawlty Towers is “The Four Seasons Pathétique,” by Vivaldi

The theme tune to A Question of Sport is “Triumph of the Will,” by Skrewdriver

The theme tune to Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? is “Death by Questions,” by Ludovico Einaudi

The theme tune to Househunters in the Sun is “Escape from the NHS,” by Underworld

The theme tune to Autumnwatch is “Fanfare for the Common Shrew,” by The Future Sound of London

The theme tune to The O.C. is “California Reaming,” by Green Day

and

the theme tune to Question Time is “Empty Stage,” by Fleetwood Mac.

Wine Recommended with This Breakfast!

12 Wednesday Aug 2015

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Breakfast at Cannibal Joe's, Niall Quinn, Red wine, Soccer legends

Niall

Republic of Ireland soccer great Niall Quinn gets his teeth into Breakfast with Cannibal Joe’s

New Amazon Author Page

11 Tuesday Aug 2015

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Amazon, Author Profile

010

You can find now my tweets, books, and a brief biography on Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk.

Don’t Mock the Afflicted. Exploit Them for Literary Gain!

06 Thursday Aug 2015

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Humor, Literature, Satire

In rather feeble attempts to demonstrate their erudition and unsuccessfully prove that they have a sense of humour, members of the medical profession have in recent years been generating articles for publication in which they diagnose the purported symptoms exhibited by the protagonists of well-known works of fiction. Thus, in the American Journal of Diseases of Children, D. W. Lewis argues that Tiny Tim from Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol exhibits all the signs of Distal renal tubular acidosis (Type 1); in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, Claude Cyr argues that Tintin shows symptoms of hormone deficiency, hypogonadotropic hypogonadism, and repeated head trauma; and in the British Medical Journal, Professor Gareth Williams concludes that Squirrel Nutkin suffered from Tourette’s.

At the same time, there has been a veritable explosion of novels featuring protagonists with illnesses or diseases hitherto considered exotic or rare. The protagonist of Mark Haddon’s Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time is autistic, Clare Morrall’s central character in Astonishing Splashes of Colour suffers from synesthesia, Lionel Essrog in Jonatham Lethem’s Motherless Brooklyn has Tourette’s, Lisbeth Salander in Stieg Larsson’s novels has Asperger’s syndrome, and it seems like every detective and every cop in every book and TV program is either terminally ill, already dead, hard of hearing or an awkward patronising twat. Sometimes all of the above (yes, Morse, you).

In an effort to stem the flow of this truly appalling, exploitative, unimaginative and smug sub-literary effluence, we feel it our duty to point out to any prospective authors or poets intending to embark on any similar such venture that all the diseases known to humanity have already been covered by far better writers than you. So STOP IT! NOW! (Here’s the evidence)

Agoraphobia: A Room of One’s Own, by Virginia Woolf

Claustrophobia: The Night Before Christmas, by Clement Clarke Moore

Kleptomania: Rob Roy, by Walter Scott

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: The Constant Gardener, by John le Carré

Voyeurism: King Lear, by William Shakespeare

Exhibitionism: Lord of the Flies, by William Golding

Clinical Depression: Doctor No, by Ian Fleming

Anorexia: Skinny Dip, by Carl Hiaasen

Multiple Personality Disorder: Dubliners, by James Joyce

Stuttering: Emma, by Jane Austen

Bipolar Disorder: To the Ends of the Earth, by William Golding

Nymphomania: The Water Babies, by Charles Kingsley

Satyriasis: Peter Pan, by J. M. Barrie

Dwarfism: Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott

Hypochondria: The Iliad, by Homer

Priapism: The Bone People, by Keri Hulme

Bubonic Plague: All’s Well That Ends Well, by William Shakespeare

Down Syndrome: The Ugly Duckling, by Hans Christian Andersen

Echolalia: The History of Mister Polly, by H. G. Wells

Necrophilia: The Naked and the Dead, by Norman Mailer

Catatonia: Permanent Midnight, by Jerry Stahl

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: The Dandy annual

Vertigo: Wuthering Heights, by Emily Brontë

Coprophilia: The House at Pooh Corner, by A. A. Milne

Male Erectile Dysfunction: The Shape of Things to Come, by H. G. Wells

Halitosis: “The Lady of Shalott,” by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Swine Flu: Pygmalion, by George Bernard Shaw

Peyronie’s disease: The Turn of the Screw, by Henry James:

Syndactyly: Charlotte’s Web, by E. B. White

Haemorrhoids: The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck

Macular Degeneration: Darkness at Noon, by Arthur Koestler

Incontinence: Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell

Priapism (again): Hard Times, by Charles Dickens

Leprosy: Things Fall Apart, by Chinua Achebe

Gonorrhea: Our Mutual Friend, by Charles Dickens

Self-Harming: Rip van Winkle, by Washington Irving

Necrotizing Fasciitis: Hitler, My Part In His Downfall, by Spike Milligan

Cystitis: Inferno, by Dante Alighieri

Obesity: The Life of Pi, by Yann Martell

and of course

Bulimia: Wolf Hall, by Hilary Mantel

If I’ve missed any, do let me know. Ta.

Blake’s of the Hollow, Enniskillen

01 Saturday Aug 2015

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Blakes of the Hollow, Breakfast at Cannibal Joe's, Enniskillen, John McGahern, Samuel Beckett

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Novelist and Ne'er-do-well. Dry English wit a specialty.

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