Pain-killing antibacterial endorphin-producing peppers! (see No. 29)
In magazines as diverse as Health, Time, Razzle, Michael Brindsley’s Nutritional Weekly, The People’s Friend, and Model Railroader, experts have been raving about the discovery of live-giving “Superfoods,” yet none of these so-called fucking experts can seem to agree on how much of these foods you need and when you should have them. Consequently, we felt it our duty to present this handy guide, which we recommend you print out and carry with you at all times. It could save your life!
1. Packed with vitamins and fiber, carrots will help you see in the dark so that you can defend yourself against the myriad species of lethal snake that live in the trees of the Amazon rainforest.
2. Nutritious and full of fruit, a medium-sized Christmas Pudding in a stocking makes a handy improvised cosh that can fell a reindeer with a single blow.
3. Edam. Large wheels of this gorgeous Dutch cheese are perfect for rolling across minefields.
4. Carry a jar of English mustard with you whenever you’re abroad in Europe or America, otherwise you’ll starve to death.
5. French bread. A baguette cut lengthways makes a handy splint for a broken arm or leg.
6. Milder and more delicately flavored than its English counterpart, delicious French mustard smeared on the blade of your knife will guarantee infection when you stab an assailant.
7. A packet of fruit gums can keep an alligator’s jaws busy for up to 45 minutes. Just don’t make the same hilarious mistake as the late Anthony Hempel of Stroud, who tried to use fruit pastilles. Alligators wolf them down, and when Anthony ran out, they suffered a sense of humor failure.
8. Garlic bread can be used to fend off vampire capitalists.
9. Grizzly bears can be confused by your waving tins of kidney beans at them.
10. Lean Beef. Strips of sirloin attached to the hull of a sinking boat will attract turtles, whom you can then snare and use to ride to safety.
11. Spray Lucozade into the eyes of an advancing tiger and it will stick its eyelids shut, giving you ample time to open another bottle and drink it for the added energy you’ll require to run away.
12. Margarine (with Plant Sterols). Smeared across the floor of a shopping mall, will provide an impassable barrier against flesh-eating zombies.
13. Margarine (Trans-fat-Free). Smear this on the inside of your coffin when you’ve been buried alive and the slight translucent glow it gives off as a result of a chemical reaction with the wood in a low-oxygen environment should give you enough light to locate your mobile phone. It’s a long shot, but it won’t work with any other kind of margarine or butter.
14. Keep a bag of dry Penne pasta around your neck at all times for emergency tracheotomies.
15. Shake a tin of peanuts at random intervals to convince short-sighted predators that you’re a rattlesnake.
16. Avoid hypothermia by covering your body in Piccalilli.
17. Attacked by a troop of monkeys? The pomegranate is nature’s hand grenade. If you usually eat yours with a pin, don’t forget to take the pin out before throwing it.
18. Pork Scratchings. Also known as pork rinds to Americans, the shape and strength of organic farmhouse scratchings make them ideal replacements for crampons when you’re stuck half-way up a mountainside with nothing but a 300,000-foot drop between you and your maker, Geppetto.
19. Potatoes. Pitbull’s jaw clamped around your forearm? Shove a spud up its arse!
20. Aqualung low? No worries. Extra air can be found inside ravioli.
21. Coalminers always carry wedges of Red Leicester when they’re beneath the surface. It turns blue in the presence of carbon monoxide.
22. Use a stick of rhubarb to poke an attacking shark in the eye. Asparagus is too short.
23. Everyone knows that rice swells up in contact with water and that this can be used to plug a hole in a car radiator. Fewer know that it also works for a gaping stomach wound. Most surgeons prefer long-grained rice all the way from America.
24. If you break the rowlocks on your boat while sailing single-handedly across the Atlantic, stale ring donuts will suffice for the first 300 miles, enough to get you to Iceland. Or away from Iceland.
25. Make holes for your eyes, nose, and mouth in a large Romaine lettuce leaf to avoid being recognized at border posts.
26. An oily meat that is good for the complexion, hair, and nails, large slices of salmon can be fashioned into a parasol to shade you from the sun when you’re in the middle of the desert and there’s nobody in the vicinity who minds the smell of fish.
27. Everyone loves sherbet lemons, but resist the temptation to eat them all. When you’re stuck under an avalanche, you’ll be grateful that you saved one to make into a whistle.
28. Bitten by a snake? Drink 10 pints of snakebite, and you’ll find that the cider will knock you unconscious long before paralysis sets in.
29. Tabasco sauce in the Jap’s eye of a flasher is no better than the fucker deserves.
30. Tuna always know where the guns are kept.
31. Two bars of Twix can be used to bribe a small child to steal the keys to his father’s Lamborghini, which you can then spray-paint and fence in order to pay off your gambling debts to Machete Mike.
32. Vinegar. An astringent, which can be used to accelerate the healing of open wounds in the side and also to hydrate a messiah during his crucifixion. He will still die, though.
33. Vitamin C Sharp travels through your body’s organs, mopping up all the oxygen free musicals.
34. Rustle a bag of Walkers Cheese and Onion crisps to attract the attention of an usher in the cinema if the person next to you is having a cardiac arrest or has a knife at your throat or his hand inside your bra. If that fails, eat the crisps and breathe on him.
35. You can disarm a suicide bomber by sneaking into his room the night before an attack and replacing all his explosives with watercress.
36. Strap a giant Yorkshire Pudding to your chest when driving in case your airbag fails.
37. Two zucchini strapped to your feet will support your weight in the snow, giving you a fighting chance of reaching neutral Switzerland.
38 to 101. 64 omega-3-fortified eggs will provide you with 64 days’ worth of revitalizing omega-3 fatty acids. Just don’t eat them all in one sitting. They’ll kill you.
I hate the concept of super foods. Someone tried to sell me chlorophyll recently. Maybe I looked like I hadn’t photosynthesised enough, or something. Why would anyone human need chlorophyll? (The worst thing is, I know there are people who would answer that question in a serious way.) Great post -love it
Thanks, Lucy. Such a ridiculous concept.