No. 40

The March 2016 issue of Esquire Magazine features a list of “55 Things That Every Man Should Know How to Do.” For your edification, he should know how to

1. Put a Windsor knot in his tie.

2. Milk a cow.

3. Change a car’s tires, oil, and spark plugs.

4. Hide a stain.

5. Play Texas Three-Card Hold ‘Em.

6. Lose gracefully.

7. Know the quickest route out of a department store.

8. Tie a tourniquet.

9. Mix a mean Bloody Mary.

10. Negotiate with kidnappers.

11. Find the channel with the gymnastics on during the Olympics.

12. Not take offense if accused of homosexuality.

13. Fake sincerity when apologizing.

14. Fake his doctor’s signature.

15. Judge bra size using only his hands.

16. Spot dogshit at 30 yards.

17. Cheat at darts.

18. Suck it up and take it like a man.

19. Use a bike pump as a lethal weapon.

20. Dodge library fines.

21. Steal a car radio.

22. Steal someone’s identity.

23. Make it look like suicide.

24. Dispose of a body.

25. Kick a dog without it barking.

26. Knock one out without the wife knowing.

27. Grass up a friend to Customs and Excise.

28. Find the touts on match day.

29. Stay out of a fight he started.

30. Urinate in a packed Wimbledon Centre Court End and blame someone else.

31. Avoid the speed cameras while doing a ton.

32. Goose a waitress so she’ll be flattered.

33. Locate bodily fluids on a pizza.

34. Lie in a foreign language.

35. Throw a party for an undeserving friend and make sure he knows it while everyone else thinks you’re a great guy.

36. Raze a house to the ground during the night.

37. Soil a bed beyond repair.

38. Sneak a peek.

39. Stalk someone using only the Internet.

40. Amputate a digit without grimacing (someone else’s).

41. Spike a child’s drink.

42. Tell his mother she has a pube stuck in her teeth.

43. Remove a vacuum attachment from his rectum without the need for a hospital visit.

44. Win disgracefully.

45. Expectorate on the ref without him knowing.

46. Make a nun weep.

47. Stash drugs in his luggage and not get caught.

48. Fart (1) silently (2) humorously (3) during sex, incorporating it into the lovemaking.

49. Suck off a prison guard.

50. Inject heroin into someone’s arm without leaving telltale signs.

51. Surreptitiously destroy a work colleague’s career.

52. Persuade a first date to swallow.

53. Kill, skin, gut, fillet and cook a Kardashian.

54. Play “London’s Burning” on the recorder (The Clash version).

and

55. Break a swan’s wing.

Only then will you be a man, my son.