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In rather feeble attempts to demonstrate their erudition and unsuccessfully prove that they have a sense of humour, members of the medical profession have in recent years been generating articles for publication in which they diagnose the purported symptoms exhibited by the protagonists of well-known works of fiction. Thus, in the American Journal of Diseases of Children, D. W. Lewis argues that Tiny Tim from Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol exhibits all the signs of Distal renal tubular acidosis (Type 1); in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, Claude Cyr argues that Tintin shows symptoms of hormone deficiency, hypogonadotropic hypogonadism, and repeated head trauma; and in the British Medical Journal, Professor Gareth Williams concludes that Squirrel Nutkin suffered from Tourette’s.
At the same time, there has been a veritable explosion of novels featuring protagonists with illnesses or diseases hitherto considered exotic or rare. The protagonist of Mark Haddon’s Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time is autistic, Clare Morrall’s central character in Astonishing Splashes of Colour suffers from synesthesia, Lionel Essrog in Jonatham Lethem’s Motherless Brooklyn has Tourette’s, Lisbeth Salander in Stieg Larsson’s novels has Asperger’s syndrome, and it seems like every detective and every cop in every book and TV program is either terminally ill, already dead, hard of hearing or an awkward patronising twat. Sometimes all of the above (yes, Morse, you).
In an effort to stem the flow of this truly appalling, exploitative, unimaginative and smug sub-literary effluence, we feel it our duty to point out to any prospective authors or poets intending to embark on any similar such venture that all the diseases known to humanity have already been covered by far better writers than you. So STOP IT! NOW! (Here’s the evidence)
Agoraphobia: A Room of One’s Own, by Virginia Woolf
Claustrophobia: The Night Before Christmas, by Clement Clarke Moore
Kleptomania: Rob Roy, by Walter Scott
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: The Constant Gardener, by John le Carré
Voyeurism: King Lear, by William Shakespeare
Exhibitionism: Lord of the Flies, by William Golding
Clinical Depression: Doctor No, by Ian Fleming
Anorexia: Skinny Dip, by Carl Hiaasen
Multiple Personality Disorder: Dubliners, by James Joyce
Stuttering: Emma, by Jane Austen
Bipolar Disorder: To the Ends of the Earth, by William Golding
Nymphomania: The Water Babies, by Charles Kingsley
Satyriasis: Peter Pan, by J. M. Barrie
Dwarfism: Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott
Hypochondria: The Iliad, by Homer
Priapism: The Bone People, by Keri Hulme
Bubonic Plague: All’s Well That Ends Well, by William Shakespeare
Down Syndrome: The Ugly Duckling, by Hans Christian Andersen
Echolalia: The History of Mister Polly, by H. G. Wells
Necrophilia: The Naked and the Dead, by Norman Mailer
Catatonia: Permanent Midnight, by Jerry Stahl
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: The Dandy annual
Vertigo: Wuthering Heights, by Emily Brontë
Coprophilia: The House at Pooh Corner, by A. A. Milne
Male Erectile Dysfunction: The Shape of Things to Come, by H. G. Wells
Halitosis: “The Lady of Shalott,” by Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Swine Flu: Pygmalion, by George Bernard Shaw
Peyronie’s disease: The Turn of the Screw, by Henry James:
Syndactyly: Charlotte’s Web, by E. B. White
Haemorrhoids: The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck
Macular Degeneration: Darkness at Noon, by Arthur Koestler
Incontinence: Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell
Priapism (again): Hard Times, by Charles Dickens
Leprosy: Things Fall Apart, by Chinua Achebe
Gonorrhea: Our Mutual Friend, by Charles Dickens
Self-Harming: Rip van Winkle, by Washington Irving
Necrotizing Fasciitis: Hitler, My Part In His Downfall, by Spike Milligan
Cystitis: Inferno, by Dante Alighieri
Obesity: The Life of Pi, by Yann Martell
and of course
Bulimia: Wolf Hall, by Hilary Mantel
If I’ve missed any, do let me know. Ta.