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Jay Spencer Green

~ Novelist and Ne'er-Do-Well

Jay Spencer Green

Category Archives: Humor

Wino Connoisseur

24 Saturday Sep 2016

Posted by jayspencergreen in Humor

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Misogynists, Reactionaries, Satire, Satire of Satire

Our usual panel of guests assembled for this year’s Christmas tasting within yards of the Law Courts on Fleet Street, a fitting and slightly ironic location, we thought: urbane, cosmopolitan, and convenient for litigation. It was a bitterly cold afternoon, but everyone was well wrapped up, at least to begin with; the more relaxed and convivial the company became, both conversation and clothing loosened up.

First up was a 1996 Sarvodaya. On most occasions, several of our panel would instinctively turn up their noses at anything purporting to come from India, but the enthusiasm of our younger and more adventurous members induced them to overcome this particular prejudice, albeit for just the afternoon. A near-translucent, vaguely oily liquid, with hints of amber when turned to the sun, the Sarvodaya had an underlying sweetness that was easy to miss but still too much for one or two even jaded palates. Peregrine thought that he detected a hint of peach and perhaps raspberry or printer’s ink, but this could have been his mind playing tricks on him, because few of the other tasters could discern those particular scents in the bouquet. “Are you sure you washed your hands before coming here?” asked Sebastian playfully.

The consensus was that the Sarvodaya constituted a solid start but was nothing to write home about. Six stars.

Sarvodaya Liquid Paraffin 1996 (£3.99 500 ml)

Next up was the 1997 Klenasol White Spirit, an offering that drew further sneers from one or two of the panel members averse to anything that has New World about it. “You might as well give us industrial cleaning fluid,” Auberon said, although this did not stop him from consuming more than his fair share of this delicate little number. “Reputations can be deceptive,” he conceded afterwards. “I didn’t think this would have the complexity of some of the older, more established, European spirits, but they’ve clearly done their homework and learned from our mistakes.” Hints of cherries on the nose and a hit at the rear of the palate redolent of lighter fluid made this a popular selection with the panel. Eight stars.

Klenasol White Spirit 1997 (£1.99 250 ml)

In retrospect, it may have been too early in the tasting to have at this point introduced the Old Spice. I had decanted it beforehand in order to conceal its identity and to allow it to breathe, but all the panel members over 70 recognized it immediately, and the younger members barely got a look in, causing a rift in the proceedings and souring the atmosphere in what was meant, after all, to be a festive occasion. “Reminds me of my rugby playing days,” said Jeffrey, snatching the bottle from my grip before anyone else could get near it and taking a hearty swig that brought gasps of dismay from one or two members distraught at this breach of etiquette. They were mollified only by the intervention of the panel chairman, who tried to ensure a more equitable distribution of the beverage.

Old Spice remains an enigma. An overpowering bouquet soon gives way in the mouth to a not unpleasant heat reminiscent of Fisherman’s Friends or Victory Vs. Opinion was nonetheless divided on this drink. Older members appreciated the selection, possibly out of sentiment, whereas younger members thought it a little vulgar. Five stars.

Old Spice After Shave 1994 (£4.99 250 ml)

Events took a slight turn for the worse with the next selection, a 1996 Liberon Beeswax Liquid Antique Pine Polish. The Liberon is marketed as “rich in beeswax and turpentine,” which I anticipated would make it a guaranteed winner with our panel, but some of the animosity from the argument over the previous sample could only be dissipated, it seemed, by rounding on me, even though I couldn’t help but notice that they finished off, or I should say, polished off, this drink much quicker than any of the others. “You’re a cunt of the first order,” said Jeffrey as he coaxed the dregs of the Liberon from the flask. “I bet he’s a fucking Jew,” said Richard. “Now, now,” said Boris. “You can’t be seen to be anti-Semitic in this day and age.” Richard’s head drooped. “Fuck off, blondie,” he said under his breath.

Although the breezy ethanol opening promises a vibrant, youthful drink, the Liberon was slow and mushy on the tongue, indicating perhaps that too much beeswax had been used in its manufacture and not enough turpentine. It was still regarded as “quite filling,” and a couple of the younger panel members at this point noticed that they could no longer feel their arms. Five Stars.

Liberon Beeswax Liquid Antique Pine Polish 1996 (£10.12 500 ml)

A brown, opaque liquid with low notes of ammonia, horseshit, and chrysanthemum, Reckitt’s Silvo All-Purpose Metal Polish doesn’t jump to mind as an intoxicant of choice among the swinish multitudes. Among those of some discernment and imagination, however, it proffers an opportunity to get completely out of it on very little outlay while simultaneously lending itself to mockery of the usual pretentious shite that the nouveaux riches and wretchedly obnoxious social climbers spout whenever they congregate for tastings such as this. “Definite suggestion of new-mown grass with apples. Do you get that?” asked Sebastian, both sarcastically and loudly enough to be heard from the other side of the street, with the consequence that we were moved on by the constabulary, even though most of us were by now contentedly slumped in the doorway of the Cock Tavern. “You’re a cunt, officer,” said Jeffrey. “Ask him if he’s a fucking Jew,” said Richard. “My apologies, officer, “ said Boris. “They haven’t been well.”

The Silvo was declared by all to be “fucking splendid,” and although my companions wanted me to disport myself to an ironmongery in order to purchase further supplies while they repaired to a nearby hostelry, I insisted that we finish the tasting first. At this point, Sebastian vomited copiously over his own and Boris’s laps. Ten stars.

Reckitt Silvo All Purpose Metal Polish 1999 (£1.89 150 ml)

Next up was an adventurous choice, a 1992 Polycell Heavy Duty Brush Cleaner. I say “adventurous” because at 10 pounds a litre, you really expect this one to be something special. The panel was not disappointed. “Sweet, sweet paint thinners,” said Auberon accurately, crawling across the pavement in my direction and flailing his hand at where he imagined the bottle to be before falling soundly asleep, his feet hanging over the kerb. I judged that it was probably as well that he slept. There was blood at the corner of his mouth, and one of the well-known side-effects of paint thinners is renal failure and death. On the bright side, it works as an anticonvulsant for canine epilepsy.

Sebastian had perked up after vomiting and was keen to try this little number. Still able to raise his little finger as he lifted the bottle to his lips, he gazed into the distance and gently swirled the rasping liquid around his gums. Rather than spit or swallow, he elected to do both, his head lolling to one side with his mouth open so that half the drink went down his throat, the other half over his lips and onto his shoulder. “Enchanting,” he animadverted, before passing out.

Other panel members concurred. “You know what this would be good for?” said Toby. “Performing operations. For the surgeon, I mean. Instead of performing operations.” I took his lack of lucidity to be an endorsement of this selection. Nine stars.

Polycell Heavy Duty Brush Cleaner 1992 (£10.12 1l)

The tasting was drawing to a close as rush hour advanced and panel members declined further refreshment. Next on the agenda was a 1998 Cutex Quick & Gentle Nourishing nail polish remover. I had deliberately placed the more potent beverages toward the end of the day’s list, aware that, even though not all the panel members’ palates are as discerning as they once were, early exposure to such overpowering intoxicants could have reduced the afternoon to a raucous free-for-all and a waste of time for everyone concerned. As it transpired, I had gauged things well: Only two of the panel members remained unconscious as I poured the Cutex into their mouths, and one of those bestirred himself enough to try to stand and punch me. The other merely lay comatose across the pavement, surreptitiously shitting himself, we later learned.

Cutex hasn’t produced a beverage this complex and intriguing since 1993. That, of course, was a very good year for nail polish remover because of the withdrawal on restrictions in the amount of acetone used in its manufacture. Peregrine thought it gave off “hints of airplanes.” “There. Look,” he said, pointing at a zebra crossing. “Airplanes. Can’t you hear them? Tiny slimy bastards. Watch out!!!” at which point he shielded his eyes from the pedestrians passing by and curled up into a trembling ball before leaping up and barking at me.

Personally, I detected plums and blackcurrant, albeit very faintly, scents that disappear on the tongue to be replaced by cabbage leaves, saffron, and cotton. This was by far my favourite selection of the afternoon, but I was unable to coax agreement from my fellow panel members, only one of whom was at that point capable of coherent English, namely Boris. Nine and a half stars.

Cutex Quick & Gentle Nourishing nail polish 1998 (£2.75 25 ml)

As a digestif, I offered the panel a wee dram of 1997 Kiwi Instant Wax Shoe Polish, opting for the white, an unusual choice, I know you’ll agree, but the black can be so messy at the end of a meal, and the white, in my experience, comes off the skin and clothing more easily. None of my fellow panel members was able to get the top off their individually crafted bottles, each of which I had had monogrammed for the occasion, so it was down to me to act as the Admirable Crichton and take care of them. Happily, assistance was not long in coming, in the form of a white van with the word “Police” on the side. The gentlemen passengers within were most understanding and my panel members almost universally compliant, except for Richard, naturally, and Sebastian, who I understand died in police custody. Never mind. It’s what he would have wanted. Five stars.

Kiwi Instant Wax Shoe Polish (White) 1997

Account by an unknown author of the 2009 Spectator/Oldie Christmas party.

The Golden Stomach Awards: Where Are They Now?

13 Wednesday Apr 2016

Posted by jayspencergreen in Humor

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Dummies, France, Humor, Satire, Ventriloquism

1996

See 2002

 

Every year, the Société des Spectacles, France’s premier organization for stage performers, hoofers, actors, and thesps in general, presents its Estomac D’Or award to the individual or team nominated by their peers as the nation’s leading exponent of on-stage ventriloquism. We considered it to be in everybody’s interest to find out what has happened to those illustrious honorees over the years.

2016. Samira Guérin et Les Flics Monstrueux: Touring the provinces to nearly sold-out audiences.

2015. Yoann Bossis et “Flash”: Junior scriptwriters on Les Guignols.

2014. Franck Blanck et Macks Planck: Playing Obélix on Radio Canal Sud.

2013. Thierry Douis et Sonny: Dubbing Sunny Delight ads. Poorly.

2012. Zinedine Artelesa et Les Liaisons Onctueuses: PR advisers to Nicolas Sarkozy.

2011. Patrick Gondet et Phattseau: Presenters of the French version of The Antiques Roadsheau.

2010. Sylvain Bosquier et Tante Claudine: Timetable announcers at Gare de Lyon.

2009. Lilian Revelli et ses poupées extraordinaires: Now performing as Liliane Revelli et ses poupées ordinaires.

2008. Vincent Trésor et Paul le Doux: Successful career on French inland cruise ships and high-end canal barge holidays.

2007. Didier Carnus et Didier le Bois: On the run.

2006. Bernard Bereta avec son fils bavard: Police informer.

2005. David Guillou et Didier le Bois: Dead.

2004. Alain Platini et Kevin MacPherson: Self-employed Paris bus guides.

2003. Jean-Pierre Petit et Petit Jean-Pierre: The many voices of Garmin Français satellite navigation aids.

2002. Laurence Larios et Boule de Suif: Publicists for France’s Meat Marketing Board.

2001. Stéphane Tigana et Killer: Aisle Four, Carrefour Boulogne.

2000. Manuel Ribéry et Pipi: “Humorous” football commentators on Marseilles Radio Libre.

1999. Louise Zidane et Marie-Claire: Novelty Avon Ladies.

1998. Jean-François Nasri et son Mec en Colère: Psychotic Offenders Wing, Saint Barthélemy’s Home for the Indigent and Murderous, Rennes.

1997. Jean-Marc Vieira et Héloise: Happily married.

1996. Hervé Henry et Suzi Wong: Offensive jugglers.

1995. Emmanuel Gourcuff et Le Grand Oiseau Jaune: Sued by children’s TV show 5, Rue Sésame in 2002. Suicide.

1994. Marius Wiltord et Chocko: Retired carpenters. Living in the Ardennes.

1993. Philippe Ginola et Darkie: Touring the colonies.

1992. Marcel Des Champs et Charles de Gueule: Organizers of far-right underground paramilitary group. Occasionally perform benefit gigs in locations unknown.

1991. Yvette Thuram et Foulou: Still deceiving the blind.

No. 56: Make Exceedingly Good Cakes

23 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by jayspencergreen in Humor

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Chauvinism, Esquire, Humor, Male Stereotypes, Satire

55things No. 40

The March 2016 issue of Esquire Magazine features a list of “55 Things That Every Man Should Know How to Do.” For your edification, he should know how to

1. Put a Windsor knot in his tie.

2. Milk a cow.

3. Change a car’s tires, oil, and spark plugs.

4. Hide a stain.

5. Play Texas Three-Card Hold ‘Em.

6. Lose gracefully.

7. Know the quickest route out of a department store.

8. Tie a tourniquet.

9. Mix a mean Bloody Mary.

10. Negotiate with kidnappers.

11. Find the channel with the gymnastics on during the Olympics.

12. Not take offense if accused of homosexuality.

13. Fake sincerity when apologizing.

14. Fake his doctor’s signature.

15. Judge bra size using only his hands.

16. Spot dogshit at 30 yards.

17. Cheat at darts.

18. Suck it up and take it like a man.

19. Use a bike pump as a lethal weapon.

20. Dodge library fines.

21. Steal a car radio.

22. Steal someone’s identity.

23. Make it look like suicide.

24. Dispose of a body.

25. Kick a dog without it barking.

26. Knock one out without the wife knowing.

27. Grass up a friend to Customs and Excise.

28. Find the touts on match day.

29. Stay out of a fight he started.

30. Urinate in a packed Wimbledon Centre Court End and blame someone else.

31. Avoid the speed cameras while doing a ton.

32. Goose a waitress so she’ll be flattered.

33. Locate bodily fluids on a pizza.

34. Lie in a foreign language.

35. Throw a party for an undeserving friend and make sure he knows it while everyone else thinks you’re a great guy.

36. Raze a house to the ground during the night.

37. Soil a bed beyond repair.

38. Sneak a peek.

39. Stalk someone using only the Internet.

40. Amputate a digit without grimacing (someone else’s).

41. Spike a child’s drink.

42. Tell his mother she has a pube stuck in her teeth.

43. Remove a vacuum attachment from his rectum without the need for a hospital visit.

44. Win disgracefully.

45. Expectorate on the ref without him knowing.

46. Make a nun weep.

47. Stash drugs in his luggage and not get caught.

48. Fart (1) silently (2) humorously (3) during sex, incorporating it into the lovemaking.

49. Suck off a prison guard.

50. Inject heroin into someone’s arm without leaving telltale signs.

51. Surreptitiously destroy a work colleague’s career.

52. Persuade a first date to swallow.

53. Kill, skin, gut, fillet and cook a Kardashian.

54. Play “London’s Burning” on the recorder (The Clash version).

and

55. Break a swan’s wing.

Only then will you be a man, my son.

Coming Soon!

15 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by jayspencergreen in Books, Humor

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Books, Humor, Ivy Feckett is Looking for Love, Monty Python

Book Number 2 is on its way: Ivy Feckett is Looking for Love: A Birmingham Romance. Don’t Miss It!

Smells Like Teen Armpit

28 Tuesday Jul 2015

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Aerosols, Deodorant, Satire

deodorant
An advertising campaign for Esther & Child domestic fragrances includes a timeline of significant events in the history of the air freshener.

13th century: Domestic refuse and the contents of chamber pots are thrown from the upstairs windows of homes out into the street, with the consequence that visitors bring it all back into the lower levels on their shoes or feet. Homeowners take to keeping pigs in their parlour to cover the smell. The traditional shout of “Gardez L’eau!” to warn of the presence of Filth in the vicinity gives the English the word “loo” and the Irish the word “gardaí.”

1726: Jonathan Swift writes Gulliver’s Travels, the original version of which includes a visit to the Island of Libdribnibb, whose politicians smear their bodies with berries and “remainderings” to make themselves attractive to the electorate. Overtaken by reality, this chapter was dropped from later editions.

1883: The invention of the roll-on deodorant by the Hairy Ainus of Japan.

1930s: America’s most popular contraceptive is Butch deodorant cream.

1950: Prior to the invention of cardboard cut-outs for rearview mirrors, the people of Finland freshen their car interiors by driving around with whole pine trees passed through the boot and out through the sun roof.

1965: The U.S. military conducts secret experiments spraying cinnamon-scented defoliant onto the streets of Baltimore, Maryland. Results prove impossible to determine other than a rise in the number of complaints about how early Christmas is this year.

1969: At his investiture as the Prince of Wales, Prince Charles is sprayed by a protestor with an aerosol can of deodorant. He inhales significant amounts of enviroment-damaging chlorofluorocarbons. Royal-watchers note that this day marks the point from which Charles “goes a bit funny.”

1974: Glade solid scent sticks hit the shelves. Sales of LSD see a precipitous decline.

1976: Death of Howard Hughes, after discovering that antibacterial soap has negligible nutritional value.

1977: Lemon-scented handwipes replace carbolic soap as French men’s masturbatory aid of choice.

1987: The arrival of the plug-in air freshener. Research shows that in the 30 years since their invention, plug-in air fresheners have been responsible for gassing more midgets than Hitler.

1988: The craze among teenagers for getting out of it by inhaling Hawaiian Breeze air freshener aerosols results in New Kids on the Block.

1991: The London Metropolitan Police Oversight Committee reports a 73% drop in deaths in police custody since handwash replaced bars of soap in stations.

1993: One-third of Americans say they forget to wash their hands after fisting. Worse still, two-thirds of Americans say they forget to wash their hands before fisting.

1994: Australian doctors treat children’s eczema by giving them so-called “dust pills” containing human skin flakes.

1995: The Chinese government presents sensational new scientific evidence differentiating between “bad” capitalist greenhouse gases and “good” Communist ones.

2007: The arrival of the Purity 400 Host Dispenser, which issues Communion wafers “never touched by human hand.” Rumours abound that the wafers are made by paraplegics in cages.

2010: Environmental organization Free Earth finds hormone-disrupting chemicals in supposedly “all-natural” air fresheners. Members spend four days weeping unaccountably.

2014: Esther & Child introduces its No Offence subliminal range of fragrances, which emit no smell or harmful spray into the atmosphere. The most popular bouquet among American homeowners is Lavender & Wealth.

Evil is as Evil Doves

23 Thursday Jul 2015

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Charities, Humor, Tory bastards

A list of recommended charities from Conservative Party Head Office:

Slave the Children: A long-established and much-respected charity that aims to encourage the untrammeled movement of young, free labor across international boundaries.

The Peace Sledge Union: Promoting self-esteem and unity among former colonies by teaching them cricket and then losing to them.

War on War on Want: “We believe that the best way to alleviate poverty is by stimulating competition between humanitarian agencies in a good-spirited race to the bottom.”

UNICELF: Helping those who help themselves.

Oxfat: Thirty years of service dedicated to fighting Third World obesity.

The World Food Pogrom: The fewer the people, the more food there is to go round.

CAFODE: Enriching the Third World with used TVs from Essex.

GOAL: Hoping to rescue the next George Weah and give him a British passport.

Caratas: Promoting the importance of hygiene in daily life and transparency in business by washing the blood off blood diamonds.

Médecins Dans Frontières: A highly respected front organization committed to the shipping of generic drugs overseas at proprietary brand prices, thereby making everyone feel better.

Crócaire: Leading a ground-breaking initiative, inspired by the so-called Green Revolution, to help the sick, moribund, and already dead to lead useful afterlives (as fertilizer).

Hurt the Aged: Creating demographic space in countries with high unemployment while generating new economic possibilities in the euthanasia sector.

Amnasty International: Helping prisoners of conscience escape their conscience.

Comic Relief: Saving the careers of poverty-stricken comedians unable to secure voiceover jobs or work on gameshows.

and of course

The Young Conservatives: Looking for prospective wealthy donors with a penchant for horsey gals from the shires.

More Than You Can Chew

20 Monday Jul 2015

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Breakfast at Cannibal Joe's, Restaurant reviews

Always check the wine for antifreeze and keep your eyes on the sommelier's free hand.

Always check the wine for antifreeze and keep your eyes on the sommelier’s free hand.


SPREZZATURA

560 Pine Valley Boulevard
There is no better champion of regional Italian cooking than this swank and semiformal Midtown restaurant rooted in the traditions of the Adriatic coast. Some of the recipes come directly from the owners’ family, and the kitchen cultivates an authenticity that will delight you. Chef Jose Relago, originally from Corsica, has a police record for violent assault, a foul temper, and an even fouler-looking daughter whom he worships. References to paper bags and doing her with the lights off should soon escalate into hand-to-hand combat, but if you have enough money to cover the bill when the pigs arrive, Jose will be sweet and refuse to press charges. Make sure you try the spaghetti with fresh clams and cured guanciale before you kick things off. The Pecorino and pear salad tossed with local honey is an elegant starter and can be used to heal cuts.

BREAD AND ROSES
24 East Ponce de Leon Avenue
There is nothing flashy about the way young chef Billy Allin and his wife, Kristin, offend guests in their endearing restaurant in the downtown area. New arrivals are offered the choice of sarcasm or knives by the maître d’ and choose according to how best they think they can match their wits against former standup Kristin and three-time state knife-throwing champ Billy. It’s a testament to the panache of Kristin’s material and the accuracy of Billy’s throwing that diners keep coming back, regardless of the humiliation or number of stitches they endured previously. Lots of local produce and wine by the liter mean that the couple are usually hammered well before the first diners arrive at 6.00 p.m. but this never seems to impair Kristin’s repartee, although Billy is more inclined to get the machetes out of an evening just to make sure he doesn’t miss.

BISQUITE
2040 Naughton Place
There is a huge discrepancy between the formal decor and the casual dress of the wait staff at this one-of-a-kind dessert bar, the place to come for a proper, mob-handed ruck with, say, a stag party or a rugby club outing. You’ll generally want to tool up in advance of visiting Bisquite Bar because only staff members have access to cutlery and glassware. Something with a long reach, such as a baseball bat, is always useful; it keeps the waiters at arms’ length and reduces them to throwing bottles at you, which you should be able to fend off, for the most part. Pastry chef Aaron Roberts is particularly proud of his petit fours and delicate geranium-scented biscuits; try referring to them as “lumps of shit” and clicking your fingers at the owner’s wife if things are a bit quiet. The cheese plate is particularly aerodynamic.

M&W SEAFOOD AND OYSTER BAR
31 Chubb Hill
“Suave” is the first word that comes to mind when trying to describe the way head chef Jon Schrempp stamps on fingers. A wound-up man in Doc Martens, Schrempp always wanted to work as a full-time ballroom dancer but ended up in haute cuisine when he discovered how much violence he could inflict on staff and customers alike. Whether diners hop onto a stool at the lively oyster bar or relax in a dining room designed like an intimate, comfortable brasserie, they never know when Schrempp is going to leap out like an Argentinean and slice off an earlobe. The tension is only increased by the disconcerting presence of Schrempp’s club-footed mute son Colin, who means no harm but is clumsy around hot fat. Strip lighting is intended to make things easier for staff to locate diners and land punches better, but it also has the effect of improving the visibility of the food, rendering most of it inedible. Come for the music, stay for the swearing.

THE ELECTRIC DINER
427 Edgewood Lane
The synchronicity between the environment and the food—both elegantly minimalist and good for the planet—soothes the soul even as you blacken the waitress’s eye in chef/owner Martin Sweeney’s mostly vegetarian hovel. The sensibility in TED, as it is affectionately known to regulars, is as close to Broadmoor as it gets in a laidback, spontaneous format, and since the menu changes almost every day, diners can always expect novel forms of abuse in the form of subtly poisoned dishes served at farm tables that encourage mutual distrust. Avoid the mushroom soup.

Restaurant reviews from the Hostile Planet Guide to New Hampshire.

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